Jumpstarting my career, but the engine is stalling…
I have decided to take part in Earth Hour 2009. At 8:30pm, EST, I will be shutting off my lights in my room (share a house with others and I don’t believe they are participating) to show my support for this moment. It also may be a good time to turn other things off and contemplate for this hour about how life is and how I want it to be. To re-focus on myself and to continue with my commitment of forward momentum and a positive outlook. I am just about all moved out of my place and have a few things to continue on, before I am done. I am still surprised how life is and how it constantly shifts. To think that I was close to having to go back to live with my mom or dad, but have been offered a gracious opportunity to reside with a former co-worker. As I previously wrote about in my Contemplation post, it’s amazing what happens when you look in a new direction. These times may seem like nothing but a haze of darkness, but don’t stop persisting and continue trying to be as positive as you can. I know many people are going to blog or tweet during this Earth Hour, but I choose to sit and focus on my life and the direction it is headed. I’m hopeful for the best, even if it seems a bit bleak. I refuse to give up or to give in. I simply refuse to stop moving positively forward.
Good day world and have a happy Earth Hour!
——-@ds
Our surroundings are like a cloud. Grey and hazy. It’s where we hide. It’s where we lie. Walls govern this inner world that we often close off from the outside world. But in our hidden sanctums, we possess a desire to attain and gain to fill in the emptiness of our surroundings. In this perpetual accumulation, we enter ourselves on to a path of self importance. Even when we say that what we have or what we want is for our own need, often times we can not wait to go and show it to others, or to someone. To prove that we have risen and triumphed. To be accepted into a life that we so often feel that we are not a part of. These items define us and often times help to hide us from the world outside of what we call our home; our shelter and escape.
So often we put all our hopes and dreams into the materialistic that when they fail or become lost, we become destructive in their absence. Destructive isn’t just a means to an end, nor does it mean that we become violent, but that we fall outside of our comfort due to what is lacking and in trying to find out where it’s at; who we loaned it to; and how we’re going to replace it, we never consider the cost of having placed so much significance on the material itself. We are compelled to justify our existence. This has become our human nature. This is the telling of our significance.
Herein lies the audacity: The idea that we are so insignificant that what we own, where we live and that which we constantly try to attain has taken such a precedence in our own existence, that we use it to define our significance. It is so common place now that we do it without knowing; without it even being intentional. It is the accepted standard. It is part of the reason why our lives and the lives of other people seem to become increasingly unimportant. This has lead many of us towards apathy.
Because of this, the valuation of our life is governed solely by what we can see, touch and utilize. The upscaling of our desires are the creation of our lies. And in this perpetual cycle, we continue the degradation of each other. The machinations that rule our lives, do so without even knowing their importance or the means with which we let them in to do their unintended bidding. It is as if we need others to justify our significance by heralding what we own and have, when what we really need are others who simply care for our well being and that we give back to them the same in return. Life isn’t, nor should it be, about defining ourselves from the success that we make in our fortunes or in the materialistic possessions that we gather over the course of our lives. These can be lost and replaced. Those that surround us that hope for our best; push us when we stumble; forgive us for our ignorance; place upon us the very best of hopes and dreams, and strive to ensure the importance in our lives are that which we should never forsake.*
What would happen if this idea of life not being based on the materialistic became increasingly important to each of us and overshadowed the easy, lifeless vices that we self impose to govern our happiness; especially given the situation that many of us are finding ourselves in, because of recent economic conditions? What if we learn to appreciate what we once took for granted; for the way of life that we once had, and place emphasis on what matters most: us. Not individuals or gifts, but us? The idea of going forward in these difficult, complicated and changing times with a renewed importance to us and for the beneficial success of us is what should be at the forefront of our new way of life, and how we deal with each other going forward. It is hopeful that we all will find our way together again and proceed with a greater realization and appreciation of where we are coming from in order to pave a better path to where we are headed.
——-@ds
*This paragraph was written by me to a friend, but I thought it to be a just fit for this piece. **Originally posted on myspace, April 13, 2008. Edited and updated, March 22, 2009.
A while ago I was offered the option to move in with another person. It was months ago, actually before the first of the year, and I tried like hell not to have to go with this option. Not due to anything about who made the offer, but I think it’s just about the issue of pride. My pride, that is. That being the case, I have accepted the reality of my circumstances which is preventing me from living where I am at any longer. So, with that being said, I committed (my previous day’s post about re-committing) today to packing up some of my non-essential things and getting ready to put them in to storage. I’ll figure out where to store them in the coming weeks. I want to be as light as possible with what I take with me. Kind of sucks to have to pay for a storage option, but hey, you have to do what you have to do. Now is the time to stop procrastinating. To do the things you probably should’ve done a while ago, but have put them off due to the fear of accepting the reality of your circumstances. This new climate has changed many things and you can either change with it, or get left behind. You never know where a new path will lead you and I am slowly coming to the realization that I need to stop trying to fight every instance of it.
——-@ds
I was feeling a bit overwhelmed today (or maybe underwhelmed) and couldn’t figure out what to do. I’ve become tired of staying in my room and I couldn’t think of anyone to call. Mostly everyone I know is in Florida, with exception of a few choice friends in other states, but I didn’t want to call and burden them with anything on my mind. It’s equally hard to do this when you know others are in your same boat. I decided to pack up my laptop, a book and my ipod. Now, to end the suspense early, I didn’t use my laptop or my book, but I played my ipod the entire way. By way, I mean, I just got in my car and drove in a direction that I had never been down before. First, I drove out of the golfing community that I live in and went out it’s back entrance. This area is fairly isolated and you can see that the ground has been upheaved to allow for further expansion of the community in the future. I sometimes come to a spot in this barren area to just sit in my car and think. I can say, without going into detail, that I had another breakdown moment. I think it was simply the totality of everything. But truth being what it is, I had another moment.
I sat there kind of hoping that someone that I didn’t know would come up out of the blue and just say, “Can I help you? Can I listen?” I think there are times in our lives (maybe not all of us, but for some of us) where we would like to share our thoughts with someone, but under a condition of anonymity; where they don’t know us and can’t judge us, but can offer their opinion if needed and simply hear your thoughts. Someone that you can just lay it all on the line without fear of having your personal business shared to anyone else that you may know. And someone that can just walk away after it is done, so you don’t have to feel embarrassed the next time you see them.
Often times, in my life, I have found myself to be the person that people call when they want to get something off their chest. When they’re going through something and want either my honest opinion of their situation, or just to know that a friend they can trust, will simply listen. This has consistently been the case, since about high school. However, in mentioning this, I have to say that I often find myself with no one to call upon. And part of the hurt today, was this line of fact.
As I sat there reflecting on this, I looked up and the sun was just blazing in my face. I took a few deep breaths and continued on my drive. I ended up circling around, going past the front entrance of my community and I drove until I was going South on US 27 (near Kissimmee, FL), when I had only ever been on the Northern parts of this street. I just wanted to go in a different direction; somewhere. I know I drove for a few hours, but I am not certain how long in total. I sometimes get lost on drives like this, because I have found that driving is a way for me to clear my head. I came across my “last name” as a street. Being curious, I turned down this street just to see if there was something worth coming across. Sadly, only a small housing community existed on this street and it lead to a dead end. Dead end, ha, that’s kind of funny given the situation. After turning back around, street signs started showing up for “Cypress Gardens Adventure Park” and “The Bok Tower”. Not knowing that I lived this close to this park, I set out on seeing it. So, I drove until I was finally able to see the theme park rides from the street level, but I didn’t plan on going in. It would not have been possible even if I wanted to, as the park is closed until late March.
Once I accomplished this desire, I then turned back around and decided that I wanted to find this “Bok Tower”. I believe it’s some sort of floral garden, but I am not too sure. About another 30 minutes later I came up to the entrance to this Bok Tower. I can’t confirm that there is a tower (I couldn’t see one pass the entrance), but I did what I set out to do, and I turned back around to head home. I’m not sure if it helped, but I was glad to see something through today. Something that got me out of the house and allowed me to get my mind off of things.
I re-committed to myself in my car ride home that I was not done. Within this country, there is an opportunity waiting for me to find it. I’ve been searching as much as I can, but I need to go out more. Even if it isn’t on a career quest and even if it is alone. I need to start doing more of the other stuff and more often, where time and finances permit. I have a few things lined up this week, so upholding this commitment shouldn’t be difficult. I don’t know where my next drive will take me, but I am committed to finding out.
——-@ds
I’ve been looking at my blog stats lately and I am noticing a continuous increase in the number of people that are visiting my site, either directly or via referral links from other sites. Today I just hit the highest number of blog views of 52 and yet, the day is not over. I know most people would look at that and go, “so”, but for me it is quite exciting. I suppose you could say it’s even been a little bit addictive, knowing that people are interested in reading what I am posting. I’ve noticed that a lot of referrals have come from http://condron.us, a website that I briefly explained about in my “And on it goes…” post (read the March 9th update at the bottom). I used to write a lot in high school, mostly fiction stories. I did this, because I enjoyed it, as it was a great outlet, but I also got into the habit of my friends reading them and telling me what they thought. As time went on, and especially when I entered college, I stopped writing. Mostly, due to the time commitment that my studies required, which I felt burnt me out (all the reports that I had to write and etc…), but also due to the fact that I had no one to read or show interest in my stories.
Times are different now and although I have fictional ideas to write about, I haven’t yet started that back up again. My blogs as of late have been more introspective and opinionated. I won’t write simply for the idea of someone reading it, but I want to continue this as best as I can and when the ideas come in. In the end, I just want to say “thank you” to everyone that is reading and enjoying my blog posts. I encourage everyone to leave their feedback/comments (whether agreeable or not) on my blog, as I am interested in what you are thinking after you’ve read what I have had to say. I like the engaging aspects that writing has on people.
——-@ds
To "run without condition" is a metaphor for doing all that I can, with all that I have; to be boundless. It's my acceptance of an unconditional spirit and thriving to move beyond the constraints of myself.
Visit my About Me page to learn more. I'll be updating it with more information in the near future!
