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Breaking down; breaking out

I was feeling a bit overwhelmed today (or maybe underwhelmed) and couldn’t figure out what to do.  I’ve become tired of staying in my room and I couldn’t think of anyone to call.  Mostly everyone I know is in Florida, with exception of a few choice friends in other states, but I didn’t want to call and burden them with anything on my mind.  It’s equally hard to do this when you know others are in your same boat.  I decided to pack up my laptop, a book and my ipod.  Now, to end the suspense early, I didn’t use my laptop or my book, but I played my ipod the entire way.  By way, I mean, I just got in my car and drove in a direction that I had never been down before.  First, I drove out of the golfing community that I live in and went out it’s back entrance.  This area is fairly isolated and you can see that the ground has been upheaved to allow for further expansion of the community in the future.  I sometimes come to a spot in this barren area to just sit in my car and think.  I can say, without going into detail, that I had another breakdown moment.  I think it was simply the totality of everything.  But truth being what it is, I had another moment. 

I sat there kind of hoping that someone that I didn’t know would come up out of the blue and just say, “Can I help you?  Can I listen?”  I think there are times in our lives (maybe not all of us, but for some of us) where we would like to share our thoughts with someone, but under a condition of anonymity; where they don’t know us and can’t judge us, but can offer their opinion if needed and simply hear your thoughts. Someone that you can just lay it all on the line without fear of having your personal business shared to anyone else that you may know.  And someone that can just walk away after it is done, so you don’t have to feel embarrassed the next time you see them.

Often times, in my life, I have found myself to be the person that people call when they want to get something off their chest.  When they’re going through something and want either my honest opinion of their situation, or just to know that a friend they can trust, will simply listen.  This has consistently been the case, since about high school.  However, in mentioning this, I have to say that I often find myself with no one to call upon.  And part of the hurt today, was this line of fact.  

As I sat there reflecting on this, I looked up and the sun was just blazing in my face.  I took a few deep breaths and continued on my drive.  I ended up circling around, going past the front entrance of my community and I drove until I was going South on US 27 (near Kissimmee, FL), when I had only ever been on the Northern parts of this street.  I just wanted to go in a different direction; somewhere.  I know I drove for a few hours, but I am not certain how long in total.  I sometimes get lost on drives like this, because I have found that driving is a way for me to clear my head. I came across my “last name” as a street.  Being curious, I turned down this street just to see if there was something worth coming across.  Sadly, only a small housing community existed on this street and it lead to a dead end.  Dead end, ha, that’s kind of funny given the situation.  After turning back around, street signs started showing up for “Cypress Gardens Adventure Park” and “The Bok Tower”.  Not knowing that I lived this close to this park, I set out on seeing it.  So, I drove until I was finally able to see the theme park rides from the street level, but I didn’t plan on going in.  It would not have been possible even if I wanted to, as the park is closed until late March.

Once I accomplished this desire, I then turned back around and decided that I wanted to find this “Bok Tower”.  I believe it’s some sort of floral garden, but I am not too sure.  About another 30 minutes later I came up to the entrance to this Bok Tower.  I can’t confirm that there is a tower (I couldn’t see one pass the entrance), but I did what I set out to do, and I turned back around to head home.  I’m not sure if it helped, but I was glad to see something through today.  Something that got me out of the house and allowed me to get my mind off of things.  

I re-committed to myself in my car ride home that I was not done.  Within this country, there is an opportunity waiting for me to find it.  I’ve been searching as much as I can, but I need to go out more.  Even if it isn’t on a career quest and even if it is alone.  I need to start doing more of the other stuff and more often, where time and finances permit.  I have a few things lined up this week, so upholding this commitment shouldn’t be difficult.  I don’t know where my next drive will take me, but I am committed to finding out.

 

——-@ds

 

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