Jumpstarting my career, but the engine is stalling…
This past weekend was a lot more active then my previous ones of late. On Thursday, I was at the FX International Show, because a friend of mine and her husband host conventions primarily in the southeast states. Their more famous convention, which her husband has been doing for about 7 years now, is called Repticon. Now, they are starting another convention in the Science Fiction & Fantasy/Comic Book genre and will be hosting their first annual Creature Con on May 30th and 31st at the Central Florida Fair Grounds. In an effort to drum up vendor support, she needed someone to host her booth on Friday, April 17, 2009. Basically, I just informed consumers of the FX Show about the upcoming Creature Con, which freed her up to meet and entice vendors to come to Creature Con. I was a bit hesitant about doing this at first, but I think I did quite well and was even able to get almost half of one of her sheets filled with email addresses from people who were interested in being reminded of the upcoming Creature Con. In addition to this, I walked around the convention floor and was reminded of my past interests in this industry that I used to belong to as an avid comic book collector. It was only 5 or 6 years ago that I collected comic books and other comic book related collectibles. Although I have since given this past time up, I am still very knowledgeable of this industry and its popularity.
During my time at the FX Show, I made one attempt to meet someone famous. I was able to shake hands and compliment James Kyson Lee, who is steadily becoming more famous for his role as Ando on the hit TV series, Heroes! It was quite cool. I’m not one of these fans that like to collect autographs or idolize anyone, so I just told him that I wanted to thank him and his colleagues for putting out a great show and then I shook his hand. He thanked me for the compliment and I walked back to my booth. All in all, not a bad Friday!
Saturday: April 18, 2009
I spent most of this day helping a friend of mine, Kelly, move into her new apartment. Even through all the sweat and heavy breathing, I had a great time and it was fun to help out. My arms are sore and I feel like I started working out again (something that I actually should be doing, read below), but it was a good time nonetheless. I was dead tired when I finally got home at around 7pm (I had been moving since 9am), but I had to take a shower and then get ready to head out to a local sports bar to watch UFC 97.
Let me just say this, outside of a few fights (Liddel, you’re still great man, don’t worry!), I should’ve really stayed home. I really like Anderson Silva, but maybe it was really Thales Leites fault for this being such a boring match. I literally fell asleep while sitting on a stool chair, in a noisy sports bar filled with cigarette smoke, 3-4 times. I kind of attribute this to also being excessively tired from moving. Second, the fight in the bathroom at the sports bar seemed to be more exciting then the UFC fight on TV! Yes, someone was beaten up, and badly, in the bathroom. I had seen him earlier walking around with his “tough guy” shirt on trying to hit on a few ladies, guess he hit on the wrong one! I really hope the next Anderson Silva fight is better than this, cause the last two have not been a testament to how good of a fighter he really is.
In terms of working out, I have some gear coming from Amazon.com shortly. I am going to give another shot at working out, now that I have time on my hands, using the P90x system. Not sure if I should cringe or not, but wish me well!
Sunday: That would be today
I woke up around 9am and got a few more things together on my laptop so that I can start doing backups of my data soon. Then I went outside and saw a huge turtle sitting out in the sun near my car. I went over to it and it literally hissed at me several times, while I touched it’s shell. I didn’t pick it up or anything, just rubbed it’s shell. It was pretty fast for a turtle, as it moved away from me. I guess it didn’t like me bothering it, but in an effort to ease its anger, I quickly went in and chopped up a green apple into pieces (first searching the internet to make sure it was OK to feed them apples) and took it out to him (I’m assuming it is a “he”). After throwing a few pieces on the ground, it soon ate them all up, then ate some grass and walked back into the woods. That was actually fun. It’s good to just do a minor thing, such as interact with nature from time to time. I seem to over look it more often then I should.
Outside of being unemployed, my weekend has been great. Enjoyed the convention, helping a friend move, watched UFC 97 and fed a turtle. If future days go as good as these last three (with Sunday being good “so far”), then I shouldn’t have too many problems. It’s nice not having any stress!
——-@ds
Ok, so quick post on the state of a few things. First, I completed my taxes last night. After a 7 hour ordeal (had to do mine and my mom’s taxes), it is done. Half of this time was me procrastinating and complaining about having to do taxes. I really do believe in the removal of the IRS and in place of it a “fair tax” only system, or hey, no taxes at all. I mean, it’s not written anywhere in the constitution about having to pay taxes on wages earned, but I digress. During the process, I was so bent out of shape on having to do it, even while I was doing it. Every year, I tell myself that next year, I am going to hire someone to do it for me, and when that time comes, I end up doing it myself. So, I’m laying it down for next, I will hire someone to do my taxes in 2010 (smarmy grin…).
In other news, I was in kind of a slump from about last Thursday, up until… well, to the point I completed my taxes. The shocker is, I must’ve really been internally irritated with having to do them and not realizing that it was affecting my outlook. I feel more irritated with having to do taxes then I do with being unemployed, how terrible is that? I usually do not wait until the last minute, but this time around, I did. Now, I am just waiting for a final response from H&R Block’s Tax Cut, to inform me that the state of Arkansas has accepted my mom’s state return, because she is then required to print off an OL form and mail it in, even though the state has received it electronically. Once that is done, I have to fax her the documents (since I live in Florida) and she will have to sign and then mail them in, easy enough, eh? I guess this paragraph really doesn’t count as being in other news.
With all of this being the case, I am done for right now and am thrilled that I am getting something back from my taxes and not owing, like I thought I was going to have to do. I also completed the filing for the next two weeks of unemployment this morning and have a few blogs that I am dancing around with. I even have a few plans for this week, which I am still debating if I am going to do them or not. All in all, even with the stress of taxes and another annoyance to chalk up to the state of Arkansas (I am still not sure why mom moved there and I want it to be clear that I am not from there, nor is my family. Seattle, WA is my birth and home town, all the way!), the haziness of my past weekend has broken free. The bad thing about procrastination is that you hope until the very last minute that you won’t have to do what you have to do and then, you end up doing it, having all kinds of grief in the process. My most infamous response for all things annoying: Ugh! (smarmy grin…)
——-@ds
On March 26, 1989, I was 12 years old and on this day premiered a television show called Quantum Leap. This was a series created by Donald P. Bellisario. It presided around a man known as Dr. Sam Beckitt and his trusty, patriotic friend, Al. They were aided by a computer system, named Ziggy, that was able to determine the probability of what “most likely” needed to be done on a leap. The crux of the show: Sam built this system and in the process of a test run, he started his downward (or upward, depending on your view) path of leaping from his body into the body of others who lived in the past. Al didn’t leap (well, except for one episode), he utilized Ziggy and appeared to Sam Beckitt as a hologram in the past. It was designed so that only Sam could see him (there were exceptions) and he always aided Sam on each jump. Yes, it was about time travel, fixing past wrongs, doing good deeds or striving to, and I absolutely loved the show! However, it seemed to be about so much more. It appeared to me to be a well crafted (at the time I would have described it as awesome or cool) show and really had a sense of purpose, even though many scene setups were cheesy and the use of colored blocks to represent a futuristic computer system was, well, let’s just say, laughable.
However, when I say it seemed to have a sense of purpose, I simply mean that even though at times it became a bit corny or clichéd, there seemed to be an underlying desire to actually make a good science fiction show with good writers who tried to craft a good plot, and actors who seemed to want to represent the characters of the past as best as possible, without heavily subjecting it to the realm of science fiction or using that to such a degree that it over burdened the show in a technical manner. It was more about an inner reflection of the desires of humans to have the chance to go back to something in their past to fix or correct. To try and make yourself consider other options or opportunities which could have lead you down a different path. It’s the desire for a do over. Another chance to do something different. I believe this struck a cord with those of us that watched this show and explains why, even after all these years, this show still has a strong fan following. Trust me, I do not follow this show and only once in a while reflect on it. I’m not a continuous fan, but I always come back to this underlying internal impression that I have of it and I always jokingly say that they need to bring Sam Beckitt home. Unfortunately, the series only lasted 4 years and came to an end on May 5, 1993.
I didn’t watch every episode of the show during its run and I was 16 at the time that it ended, but one thing that has always bugged me is the fact that they left Sam Beckitt leaping. Seriously, this guy is still (in this fictional world) leaping, now 20 years later. I know, I know, it is a TV show. It’s not real. It is purely a work of fiction. I know this and I do not care. I want Sam Beckitt to be brought home. Can you imagine that you are stuck in a paradox of perpetual leaping from one body to the next in the past and the only way to leap out is to accomplish some unknown quest or need that you can barely figure out? It really bothers me when things are left unfinished, and yes, even popular TV shows, no matter how real or fake they are. Now, if it was simply a crappy show, then I also believe in putting things out of their misery, finished or not. But this wasn’t a crappy show, it was pretty good for the time period that it was made in and for the perspectives it was constantly trying to portray. I just don’t like the idea of leaving someone behind and maybe this is what resonates with me about this character. The fact that he was left behind and that was it. I also become quite perturbed by cliff hangers and especially cliff hangers that are left unfinished, because the series that they are a part of has come to an end. All they had to do was write a suitable ending that brought Sam home or at least made it seem like he wanted to keep leaping. I could deal with someone choosing to keep doing something, because then it’s about choice and they have to deal with the repercussions of their choices. But the writers didn’t do this and they left this guy floating around in the past and it makes me wonder, what is going on with him now? It’s a perplexing thought, I suppose you could CYA it (no, no, not the phrase that ends with ass, I mean, Choose Your Adventure) and create your own personal ending for the series, but I want an official ending. I think they could even make a successful movie of the series and put an end to this problem.
With that being the case, this post today isn’t about promoting a movie or TV episode for the series; being laid off has given me more time to think about things, some important and others not so important. I’m not sure why I even thought about writing this with relation to Quantum Leap. Maybe it’s for nostalgic reasons, or maybe I feel that I am doing my own personal leaping and am finding myself relating to this series. It could also be true that I saw something on the internet that made me think about Quantum Leap and decided to do something as mundane as use up my time to write about a favorite TV show from my past. I’ve pondered about this show a few times over the years and wondered how I would feel if I was leaping. Fact is, I think I’d be really pissed off after 20 years. At some point, I’d figure out a way to leave messages for the future and really start messing with them as best as possible. Maybe for each person I leapt into, I would get on an airplane and fly my new body (when or where possible) to some place, maybe a place like Hawai’i or Puerto Rico and just stay there until I was forced to leap again. I would even leave a note with my former body explaining who I was and what had happened, and what to say when they were found. I would do this with every new person, over and over again, until there was a legion of new bodies on the same island, or at least had been on the same island, stating the same thing: ”I am Dr. Sam Beckitt. I am from the future and am part of a US government program dealing with time travel. Each of the persons reading this note are uniquely different and I brought them all here, while I was inhabiting their body. I am trying to get back home. Please help!”, or something to that effect (it’s probable that this wouldn’t work when you consider the potential true effects of going back in time and doing the things that Sam was (or is) doing on the show, but I don’t want to go into that line of reasoning in this post).
Think about how odd it would be if a bunch of people appeared, in the same area, over and over again, saying the same thing, while truly being confused as to how they got there. At some point, someone would have to acknowledge what I was doing. It would be written about in the papers. I would do this so that the future would know that I was still alive and that it was time for them to “put right what once went wrong”. Yet, something tells me that the character of Sam Beckitt wouldn’t do this, he was too hard-headed about doing what he felt was right and I believe he would’ve kept doing the same thing over and over again; helping others to fix what was wrong in their life.
Given all of this, I also recognize that there’s a problem with going back and changing things from what they were. You inevitably wipe out who you are and what you’ve become. Those who know you may never know you and the elements that were introduced in your life throughout the years to shape you, could be different and thus, shape you differently. And, this has another effect: you change everyone that knew you as well as those who know them, and so on. Because your interaction with them may have shaped them in some way and with time being as fickle as I believe it to be, who are any of us to be so selfish to go back and change things that may be so insignificant to each of us, but can have great transcending effects to everyone that have eclipsed our circle of life? Even the person who may have a life that is currently in turmoil or may have been hurt in a manner that is beyond any experience of being laid off, may have found strength in that circumstance that have impacted others to bring awareness to their cause, or to make someone strong enough to go through their personal dilemma.
I think about this now, because I am curious if I had the opportunity to go back in time to change something, would I? Would I change the fact that I am laid off, by letting myself know of the impending doom really early and finding a way out? Would I had even went farther back in time to put myself on to a different course? Would I have told others and impacted their futures as well? Sure, I have some regrets and desires that I wish I had done differently. Vices that I took part in that I wish I never had. Even with all of this, I recognize that who I am today is based on who I was yesterday; last week; last month and all the years before today. I’d like to believe that I wouldn’t go back to change anything, no matter how bad or great it would be to see how it would play out (in reality, I would never know how it would play out, because it wouldn’t be new to me anymore), but it’s hard to say what you really wouldn’t do when the situation presents itself to do something you normally wouldn’t have the opportunity to do. If I were to make this change, I would simply walk a different path and possibly eclipse different people in my life’s journey, inevitably becoming something different then I was (even though there would have never been a was). It would be such a dynamic change that all of the people that I know now and have impacted my life; I take the gamble on erasing from my life and their effects on me, due to a few sour experiences, which in their own way have groomed me into the person I am today, for better or for worse. And, as it was stated in the movie Batman Begins, “Why do we fall down? So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.” Those sour experiences have taught me how to pick myself up, and if I were to go back in time and make changes that lead to an easier and wealthier life, then what would I have learned? To be honest, that is a question that I’ll never be able to answer, because there is no way to make that comparison.
In dealing with this idea, I have to also come back to Quantum Leap, because as I said, Dr. Sam Beckitt is still leaping and I want him to come home. He is still changing the past for a future he is unable to be a part of anymore. Constantly doing what he deems to be right, to fix a wrong, to continue leaping with the hope that he will leap back home at some point. Nevertheless, isn’t the dilemma of doing something like going back in time to change the past to affect your future, or someone else’s future, one in which you potentially continue doing over and over again? When would you stop and how would you know when you should stop? What if you missed some minor detail and that leads you to have everything you ever wanted, but some other detrimental effect comes with it? As we all know, life isn’t perfect and neither are we. Given this fact, it’s highly improbable we could ever do something so perfectly as to fix every element of time to give us what we wanted without affecting something else negatively. With that being said, if the show hadn’t ended the way it did, I probably wouldn’t even care enough about it right now to write this blog post and maybe that was the hope of the writers, to care. To realize that nothing is perfect and we all can’t have the outcomes we would like, but we must deal with our choices or the choices that have been pushed upon us (after all, it was Sam’s choice to start leaping by using himself as the first major test of his system) and strive to do the best we can with what we have been given. Maybe this was their way of “putting right what once went wrong”.
——-@ds
I never said I wouldn’t take the opportunity to go back in time. Seriously, who knows, I could somehow luck out and make choices that are so imperfect that they yield a perfect outcome. You know, like being in Costa Rica with that beautiful woman next to me; sipping the pleasures of a great drink; plenty of cash to fund this lifestyle and maybe the only detrimental effect is that I am missing a toe from my left foot! That’s a scenario that I could live with and I hope my friends, family or acquaintances of this timeline wouldn’t be mad at me for changing my past that yielded this out come, 
. On the other hand, to be truthful, I probably would go back in time to experience the act of time travel and observe myself in the past, from the perspective of a third party (that third party being me, as an adult from the future). That would be enough, because that would be awesome or cool enough for me, I think.
I finally moved in to my new place on Sunday, March 29, 2009. I wasn’t too sure what to expect or how I would actually feel when I was finally moved in, because this is a bit of a change for me as I am not in the normal surroundings that I am used to. City life, the quick drive to local areas and just having the knowledge of where everything is at, while not being too far away from anything. I’m still not that far out, just a bit farther then usual. Yet, I have come to appreciate my new surroundings.
As a quick back story, some of you know, that I was laid off back in October (along with a lot of people from many companies) and two months later a few more of my direct colleagues were laid off again. One of them offered me the option of moving into her basement if and when things began to get either too costly, or I could no longer sustain myself on the unemployment benefits alone. This was offered to me in December 2008. At the time, I was taken aback by the offer, because it was so generous and it was a complete surprise. It was during a social gathering and completely “out of the blue”. I was shocked and flattered that I was regarded so well to even be entrusted with such an offer. For someone to open their home to you in any manner is one of trust, but to open it up to you to come and live in, well that’s really personal. It isn’t done lightly and you don’t even know how the person who’s receiving the offer to move in will respond; will they be offended or not. I wasn’t offended, but felt honored that someone cared enough for my well being, outside of my family, to offer me to move into their home. In the brief moment of the offer being made and before I spoke, I quickly thought that I didn’t believe this would ever have to happen. I knew what my finances were on a month-to-month basis and I equally knew how long I would be able to last on my own. Again, this was in December 2008, that the option was made available to me. I knew that by sometime in April, I would be tapped out or close to being so. Yet, I had hope that I would land something between now and then.
I was extremely appreciative and had hoped that my response reflected that position. Although at the time I declined the offer, I explained that I was doing fine (and I was. I was doing better then even I expected after the loss of my job) and that I appreciate the concern. I explained that I thought I would be OK with being on my own for now, but if anything changed or my plans to be fully employed didn’t work out, I would keep the offer in mind. Again, it was reiterated that the space was available if I needed it. We smiled and I thanked her again for the offer, and it was left at that.
Fast forward to March 1, 2009. A few weeks before this date, I realized that my funds were pretty much exhausted. I could have probably survived one more month, but that would have really depleted me of everything. During this time, I had spoken with the party that made the offer for me to move in and had inquired if the space was available. I was told yes and the plan to make the move was set into motion. I waited until the absolute last day possible to give my 30-day notice to my landlord, because I was still holding out hope that a call for employment would come and I wanted to make sure that I really exhausted the time I had left to provide my notice. As such, no call came and on the first of March, my intent to move out letter was emailed to my landlord. I still had the remaining 30 days at my old place and I made sure to continue searching for employment with the hope that something would be found. Now, I realize how this may sound, as if I didn’t want to move to where I am, but as I’ve explained to others, it wasn’t the idea of having to move in with my former colleague that I was hesitant with. It was having to accept the reality that it had finally come down to the fact that I had to move, because I could no longer sustain myself on my own. The fact that being unemployed had taken it’s toll and like an insurmountable battle, you realize that no matter how much you throw at it; no matter how much you push back; how hard you fight to maintain yourself, you have to secede. The war between me and the economy had its third casualty; the loss of where I was living, a small battle win was handed over to the economy. But, this war is not over and I have not fully lost, the economy just has a better score right now: 0-3 in favor of the economy (I count the loss of my job, not being able to pay my creditors and having to move out as 3).
As of today, April 2, 2009, I’ve had to postulate myself into a new lifestyle, one that isn’t bad at all. I remember getting up the very next morning after I had officially moved in and went outside. It was early, quiet and peaceful. The area is heavily wooded and secluded. As I sat there, I looked out and realized what living in the city can do to you sometimes; it makes you immune to nature. I was hearing all these wonderful sounds off in the trees and in spots unseen, and I saw a Woodpecker flying around and making its small calls. It landed on the stairs and kept spinning around, and looking everywhere, as if it was expecting something to approach it from behind. Then, it quickly darted off to a section of the woods where I saw it meet up with some other birds. The breeze in the morning was cool and soothing. I remember feeling very calm. I can’t recall how long it had been when I just sat outside and took in the sight that nature provides you, for the sole purpose of doing just that. Not a social gathering where you are with others, but just sitting outside by yourself and taking in your surroundings in a pleasant manner.
Later in the day, I sat with Cheryl and Ken outside of their front door. It became the first time in a long time that I didn’t feel my mind wander or waver in its thoughts and I just enjoyed the feeling of being calm. We talked about a few things, contemplated on how nice the area was, laughed about other things, told a few stories and overall, it was just a very nice moment.
I’ve talked about this in a previous post, the idea of how things come together when you least expect it. The fact that I didn’t want to leave Florida, but right as it was coming close to me having to consider doing so, a surprising alternative yielded itself to me, months back, which worked its way as a solution for me presently. This yields me the opportunity to remain hopeful and to continue my search for employment, even in areas outside of Florida. Just as one thing fails; something new comes in to take its place and moves you in a new direction. A path that isn’t so far off from where you were, but skewed just slightly to keep you on a parallel path in the same direction you are trying to steer yourself in. The fact that you can never fully realize how everything will fit until it fits and at that moment, you have your “Aha!” moment. After a while, if you’re paying attention, you can almost start seeing these entanglements weaving together, even if you are not fully receptive to how it will all fold out.
I think I gained a bit more in having to move. I was becoming annoyed with my previous living situation and had been wanting to move for a long time now. But I realized why I was hesitant to move, because I wasn’t moving on my own terms. So, I was forced to do what I was wanting to do, but for a different reason. I think about this now and I say to myself, “So what”. I think I was also slightly worried about having to sacrifice a bit of my privacy, but really, that hasn’t been an issue either. I’ve enjoyed getting to know Cheryl and Ken Bevis, and am honored by their hospitality. I am both thankful and humbled for what they have provided. They have been both gracious and generous. I find myself, even though they have told me that I don’t have to, thinking of how I am going to repay them for their kindness. I’m sure I’ll figure something out, but part of this post today was to put into words my gratitude for their trust and kindness.
——-@ds
To "run without condition" is a metaphor for doing all that I can, with all that I have; to be boundless. It's my acceptance of an unconditional spirit and thriving to move beyond the constraints of myself.
Visit my About Me page to learn more. I'll be updating it with more information in the near future!
