Spouting 10: Ch-ch-changes

It has been about 3 weeks since my last post, but I am happy to report that I am working again, at least on a temporary assignment. I’ve been re-employed at my former company that I was initially laid off from. I am back in my previous department, but in a new role. As I’ve told those close to me, I’m very happy for the reprieve, even if there is an end date. This all came about on the 3rd of August. That day I had to fill out all the paper work and fax/email it back to the company. By Wednesday, I had to accept and sign the offer letter and take the mandatory drug test. And all of this was being rushed so I could start on the following Monday, August 10, which I did. It has also been an odd transition of getting back into the mindset of having a schedule to adhere to in order to get some sleep, wake up at a proper hour and get to work on time. After almost 10-months of sleeping whenever, waking up whenever and doing whatever-whenever; I am slowly coming around to this familiar, but re-enacted routine.

This past Friday, I received my first pay check, but only for the first week, because I had not completed a full two weeks yet. A former colleague of the company (and now friend), who worked out of another state and was also laid off (he has recently relocated to Orlando, FL working for another new, but soon to be great, company) told me about a month ago, about how good it felt to receive his first paycheck in such a long time. I have to echo those sentiments: it does feel really good. But, I have not let this positive turn deter me from my current goals and path. I still have every intention of paying off my car. This should happen, if everything goes as planned, in October. After this time, I should be saving more and planning what I will do once the job is set to end by December, 31st 2009. With everything that has happened since October 2008, I’m not ready to bank on anything beyond this being a temporary position for me. I’ll always keep an open mind as to the possibilities and make some, not so formal, plans should those possibilities become realized, but my consistent plan will always be on the reality of what currently “is”.

So, as of now, what becomes of my website: www.runningwithoutcondition.com? I will continue to post. The metaphor still applies in all aspects of my life, not just my goal (which is still not completed) of being permanently employed as full-time somewhere. I still have plans of transitioning this site off of WordPress’ servers and set up my own hosting site. I still have a number of drafts waiting to be completed. I think that I will probably start publishing my “spouting” posts anytime, but any of my longer posts will most likely be done during the weekend.

It’s strange how you take for granted receiving a paycheck every two weeks when you are working.

I also want to thank JRM. You know who you are and I appreciate what you did.

——-@ds

Balance

Making different decisions when the madness of who I am is clouded by what I am used to?

Making different decisions when the madness of who I am is clouded by what I am used to?

Change is a fickle concept. Far too often we entrap ourselves in the embodiment of our created security and ego. Sure, we can make different decisions about the food that we eat from day to day, or the people we’ll talk with from one moment to the next, but what about when real change is needed? When at the crux of continuing down a familiar and constant trail that is potentially leading nowhere or embarking on an entirely unknown path, so unknown that you’re not even sure where to start; then how does one make different decisions when the madness of who they are becomes clouded by what they are used to?

I am striving for change. I keep trying to do stuff that I am not normally used to doing in an effort to affect change in myself, my life and my perception. Maybe I am not doing enough, or maybe I, at times, end up over doing it. As I look back on the past 8 – 9 months that I’ve been laid off, I am questioning if I have really done anything truly different or not. I started my own personal blog and wrote about a few personal aspects of my life as well as the ambiguous nature of being unemployed for the first time. I have opened up to more people in my life who, only a few years ago, I more than likely would not have done so. I know that I had to also let some people in my life go. I felt they were more of a detriment to my progress. It’s not that I dislike them, but one can only have so much negativity in their life when things outside of that relationship also seem a bit negative. You can succumb to that way of thinking if you do not anchor yourself appropriately. It wasn’t an easy decision, but I stand firm that it was the right decision. Yet, letting people go in our lives is not something that is new to anyone. Sometimes it’s easy to point out the change needed in other people’s lives, but when it’s your face looking back at you, it is not something that’s easily done. I know that unless I do something drastic, it won’t take a drastic turn, but I don’t believe that type of urgency is needed. After all, it’s persistence that I am going for.

Given all of this, one can not have change without having a counterweight to that change. Something that still holds you steady and true. Right now, my “striving for change” is landing my next job/career opportunity. I have been putting a lot of focus on that. There has been a week here and there that I’ve said, “Screw it, I’m taking a break from all of this searching”. However, I am feeling like I am beating the proverbial dead horse over and over again, and not progressing anywhere. What I have failed to realize or take note of is the key issue of: balance. In failing to recognize this concept, I forgot about the fact that life looks for equilibrium. It’s a teetering effect, put too much weight on one side and everything comes tumbling down.

I have been ignoring it. Indirectly pursuing it. And overall stifling it.

There’s constant shifting in our lives and in the effect that our lives have on all things outside of our being due to, and in lack of, balance. Our shifts produce their own unique ripples that transcend and eclipse those created by others that you know, others that they know, and so on. In the end, there will be balance and we will find our own equilibrium in life. It just takes time and effort to get there. I haven’t been lacking in the time or the effort, but in balancing this out with the rest of my life. Lately, I’ve been venturing out more, rather then just staying in. I hid behind the veil of “trying to keep my expenses low” or “not having a purpose to go out”. The time for that has come to an end. It came to an end a while ago, and it’s only now that I’ve come to the point of writing about it.

What we do, how we do it and how we think manifests outside of us and if the external situation or that which surrounds us is the aspect that we want to change, then we have to bring the focus back on to ourselves in order to change our interaction with it. All the time I spent staying in for the reasons I convinced myself to do so, created an imbalance in my life. I prevented myself from engaging others and meeting new people, going out to get something as simple as fresh air, challenging myself to break past my insecurities and find entirely new experiences. When we allow ourselves to move past what we are used to, then that madness of being clouded in our own self-absorption begins to secede. And when that happens, then the change that we seek happens. But it only comes about with being in tandem with those new experiences and that, which we are seeking.

That, in itself, is balance.

——-@ds

**Elements of balance was originally included on a post of mine on my former Myspace blog, which has been fully removed, on March 28, 2008.  Edited and updated, July 22, 2009.