All the things that you want out of life, but can not have. Those tender moments that are sometimes so sweet and peculiar that you know you will never experience them again. Or, just the yearning for something that will always outpace you. These are the thoughts that always haunt me. Everyday, it’s the realization of an explicit rule that somewhere along the lines became written without my consent or knowledge. And it strips everything from me. It dangles the possibility in front of me, while pulling it away just far enough for me to know, and yet, never achieve. It’s there and it is everywhere. It’s the sign on my forehead that I can’t read, but bears a foreboding to everyone. I try to scrub it off and attempt to remove it, but it just won’t leave.
I want and am left wanting. I yearn and am left without.
I’ve tried and I’ve failed. And it’s always the same. I’m the one always left watching and I suppose if fate is real, then maybe this was supposed to be my path. I am curious as to why. I question what makes the alternative so much better, or why I desire it. I can’t, for the life of me, understand why this other path is so damn special, or figure it out. But I know I can’t be part of it. I suppose I’ll never know the answers to these specific wonders and maybe that’s the point; it’s not meant for me to know. I wish this wasn’t the case.
There was a lot of things in my life I thought I had accepted, but sometimes the reality of those things come back in full force that no matter how much you want to fight against it, you can’t do anything but sit there and accept it. I’m always at my best when I am in the middle of something terrible. But when the sea is calm, I always feel like a fish without water. Always gasping and straining for something that I can’t attain.
So, I am full circle (again) to where I was a few years ago (no, not the job, that’s fine) and I am having to accept what I thought I had already let go. I guess I didn’t. I suppose I have to.
These are my brief thoughts about a life that is less.