Making different decisions when the madness of who I am is clouded by what I am used to?

Making different decisions when the madness of who I am is clouded by what I am used to?

Change is a fickle concept. Far too often we entrap ourselves in the embodiment of our created security and ego. Sure, we can make different decisions about the food that we eat from day to day, or the people we’ll talk with from one moment to the next, but what about when real change is needed? When at the crux of continuing down a familiar and constant trail that is potentially leading nowhere or embarking on an entirely unknown path, so unknown that you’re not even sure where to start; then how does one make different decisions when the madness of who they are becomes clouded by what they are used to?

I am striving for change. I keep trying to do stuff that I am not normally used to doing in an effort to affect change in myself, my life and my perception. Maybe I am not doing enough, or maybe I, at times, end up over doing it. As I look back on the past 8 – 9 months that I’ve been laid off, I am questioning if I have really done anything truly different or not. I started my own personal blog and wrote about a few personal aspects of my life as well as the ambiguous nature of being unemployed for the first time. I have opened up to more people in my life who, only a few years ago, I more than likely would not have done so. I know that I had to also let some people in my life go. I felt they were more of a detriment to my progress. It’s not that I dislike them, but one can only have so much negativity in their life when things outside of that relationship also seem a bit negative. You can succumb to that way of thinking if you do not anchor yourself appropriately. It wasn’t an easy decision, but I stand firm that it was the right decision. Yet, letting people go in our lives is not something that is new to anyone. Sometimes it’s easy to point out the change needed in other people’s lives, but when it’s your face looking back at you, it is not something that’s easily done. I know that unless I do something drastic, it won’t take a drastic turn, but I don’t believe that type of urgency is needed. After all, it’s persistence that I am going for.

Given all of this, one can not have change without having a counterweight to that change. Something that still holds you steady and true. Right now, my “striving for change” is landing my next job/career opportunity. I have been putting a lot of focus on that. There has been a week here and there that I’ve said, “Screw it, I’m taking a break from all of this searching”. However, I am feeling like I am beating the proverbial dead horse over and over again, and not progressing anywhere. What I have failed to realize or take note of is the key issue of: balance. In failing to recognize this concept, I forgot about the fact that life looks for equilibrium. It’s a teetering effect, put too much weight on one side and everything comes tumbling down.

I have been ignoring it. Indirectly pursuing it. And overall stifling it.

There’s constant shifting in our lives and in the effect that our lives have on all things outside of our being due to, and in lack of, balance. Our shifts produce their own unique ripples that transcend and eclipse those created by others that you know, others that they know, and so on. In the end, there will be balance and we will find our own equilibrium in life. It just takes time and effort to get there. I haven’t been lacking in the time or the effort, but in balancing this out with the rest of my life. Lately, I’ve been venturing out more, rather then just staying in. I hid behind the veil of “trying to keep my expenses low” or “not having a purpose to go out”. The time for that has come to an end. It came to an end a while ago, and it’s only now that I’ve come to the point of writing about it.

What we do, how we do it and how we think manifests outside of us and if the external situation or that which surrounds us is the aspect that we want to change, then we have to bring the focus back on to ourselves in order to change our interaction with it. All the time I spent staying in for the reasons I convinced myself to do so, created an imbalance in my life. I prevented myself from engaging others and meeting new people, going out to get something as simple as fresh air, challenging myself to break past my insecurities and find entirely new experiences. When we allow ourselves to move past what we are used to, then that madness of being clouded in our own self-absorption begins to secede. And when that happens, then the change that we seek happens. But it only comes about with being in tandem with those new experiences and that, which we are seeking.

That, in itself, is balance.

——-@ds

**Elements of balance was originally included on a post of mine on my former Myspace blog, which has been fully removed, on March 28, 2008.  Edited and updated, July 22, 2009.

What Lies Ahead

Well, I woke up today and started wondering how long this madness of being unemployed was going to carry on. At the onset of this thought, I went to a folder on my computer which is a repository for all the jobs that I apply to. My method of retaining this information is as follows:

1. Find a job posting to apply to
2. Select print and save the job description page as a PDF
3. Save the PDF to my folder: “Jobs applied to”

I do this each and every time. Part of the reason is so I can keep track of where and when I am applying for the Unemployment agency in Florida in case they ask me for proof. The other part of this process is to prove to myself, when I am doubting whether or not I have put enough effort into the search, that I have indeed been putting out my best effort in looking for my next career opportunity, by being able to look back on the total files saved and the dates of creation. Initially, I had kept a log in a notepad of this information, but decided that was getting very tedious and annoying. So, I resorted to this method which works perfectly. I looked at it again today and noticed that I have saved about 65 jobs in this folder as PDF’s (or, if the page does not output correctly as a PDF, then I copy the contents of the job description and save it as a text file). Now, these 65 files do not include the emails I’ve sent to a few Advertising Agencies (I believe the number to be about 5) as a means of reaching out, even though they had no job postings. Also, this doesn’t include my initial notepad of jobs that I had applied to in the initial weeks of having been laid 0ff. My notepad contains a total number of 24 jobs. When considering these facts, my best estimate is around 94 jobs in total. Along with this is the fact that it has now been 7 months that I have been out of work. That means, on average, I’ve applied to about 13.4 jobs per month. Breaking this down even further; 3.4 jobs per week.

During this time, I’ve had only one interview and the company found me from my profile on Creative Hotlist. I interviewed for the position and found that the opportunity sounded ideal for what I was looking for; this was back in December. After about 2 followups with the response being that the position is delayed or is on a hiring freeze, I surmised that either they were not interested in me or that they would contact me when the position was truly ready (I also didn’t want to come across as a nuisance, even though I have an urge to send a third email, I mean, it had been about 3 months as of April since my last inquiry and I still had not heard of a final decision). Update: I followed my instincts and sent a third follow up on April 16th. I received a reply on April 23rd and was told that they liked me (which was great to hear), but that they are not able to create the position for their department at this time. Should something change at a later date, they will let me know. This was great to hear and it was equally nice to be able to put behind me the nagging thought of, “are they still interested?”. I never stopped applying for other career opportunities just because I landed an interview, but it was the only “second-stage” opportunity I have had, and it was nice to have some form of finality with the matter.

Personally, I have applied to a number of companies throughout the United States and locally to Florida. That means that there was 89 (not including the 5 applications that I sent out to companies that had no positions listed) positions that were at one point available that I felt qualified enough to apply to. In terms of these other jobs that I have applied to, what’s even more trying is knowing that I have had personal referrals for some jobs through direct acquaintances/contacts on both ends. While this doesn’t always tend to lead to an advantage, it appears that more and more people are landing back in their careers (or another form of it) through their network and while I still have to make my case as to why I am qualified, it’s perplexing that no one seems interested in setting up an interview. In my case:

1. I know of a few companies that are still hiring
2. Have posted positions that need to be filled
3. Have received my application and, more than likely, applications from others that are qualified
4. Have said nothing
5. Only to re-post the position a few weeks later
6. I look at the position (again) and review my resume, while coming to the conclusion that I am capable of fulfilling this role
7. And with no response from the company, I am left wondering: “Why not?”

I know what I am capable of and I know that of all the positions I have applied to, that I am able to perform the tasks required of me and with a fair amount of time, digging deeper in to my role to find more efficiencies that will provide a good return to the company and my direct team. Maybe it’s truly an issue of responsiveness and the companies that have been applied to are just slow to respond. Maybe phone calls or emails will start happening in the coming weeks and will hopefully lead to my next opportunity. Maybe I have to hold out a bit longer then others that have been able to bounce back and if so, OK, I can handle that. I can deal with that outcome. This is all a possibility. A possibility that I am still fervently holding on to.

Update 2: I just had the opportunity for another interview today, May 28, 2009. It was a really great experience and I feel that the position’s details and my background complement each other really well. I hope this opportunity yields itself to me, as I see so many opportunities to learn and grow, and to obtain even more knowledge in various areas of advertising, print, SEO, video, writing and production. These are areas that I have knowledge in, but could really obtain more direct knowledge. It also provides the opportunity to really have more of an overall impact and the way the interview was set up felt extremely casual and seemed to diffuse any stress I had coming in. It was conducted positively and addressed all my issues/concerns. I really hope this opportunity pans out as I feel that I was equally received very positively. I know I did the best that I could and feel that it came across as such. I will be told of the decision in about a week and a half. Exciting opportunity; anxiously awaiting!

——-@ds

We Are Here and We Are Ready

I’ve written a lot about my personal trials, refocusing and the shifting in my thinking about the current perils of being unemployed from my perspective (and about myself on a personal level). This post today is being written for those companies throughout the U.S. that have positions posted, but seem to be stalled in their hiring; or failing to do so. By “failing to do so”, this is not meant for companies that are still on a hiring freeze or those that do not have the budget to hire another person, rather, this is meant for the companies that are in the exact opposite position. They have opportunities needing to be filled and the budget to fill them, but they seem to be slow in doing so. It’s not that there’s an expectation for a day or a week turnaround. It is understood that this is a time consuming process, but on behalf of those of us that are in need of work and are actively seeking day in and day out; we need you, the company, to be better. Right now, we need you to come through for both of us as we are seeing your positions and are applying, but to no avail, there seems to be a lack of response from you. In addition, you need us, because until that position is fulfilled, either your business is being held back and/or someone is seriously overworked, which can still have a detrimental affect on your business. It’s difficult to be in this situation, but to constantly see opportunities that are available and some that consistently reappear with new listing dates, but with no response to the previous applicants before it is re-posted, is defeating. One can directly assume if there is no response; no interest. It is a fair assumption to make in today’s job application process. Yet, given what is going on in the economy and that it is not a secular issue, there should be better diligence in the application process.

It’s not that we don’t understand (“we” being the unemployed/laid off). Current economic conditions have caused many companies to reign in their hiring budgets. Many have tried to combine different types of positions into one to cut down on the overhead. And along with this comes the countless flooding of our voices reaching out to you via our resumes, contacts, emails, faxes, head-hunters/recruiters, online job listing services, phone calls and (if the job seeker is lucky) personal contact every time a company puts out a listing, even if it is for only one position. We understand that you have a bombardment of cover letters and resumes all detailing to you why the applicant is qualified and it becomes almost burdensome to try and respond, or to make a decision. But, let’s face it: for all the good and bad, we need you to make that decision. We need you to have your HR departments, or your hiring managers, be more conscientious in their hiring practices and to actually want to fill these positions (not have to, but want to). Not only do we need you to be better, your business needs you to be better, because it needs us to help it continue to succeed. With respect to the aforementioned, I do not want to demean the fact that there are many employees out there that are doing the best they can and a lot of HR representatives that are over worked and understaffed, trying to do what they may feel like is an insurmountable task; reviewing hundreds if not thousands of applicants from every corner of our country, for only a handful of positions. Filtering through tons of applicants, even from some who may not really be qualified, but still felt the need to just “try”. We know that it is a time consuming process and that many people are doing what they can to the point that it may not seem like there’s enough hours in the day. They understand, as do we, that no one wants to be in this boat and all of us are not going to make it out anytime soon, but nothing is more defeating than for companies to seemingly do nothing, while constantly post that they have an opportunity.

Given this, even more stringent criteria is being placed on filling open positions, which brings up another issue: relocation. In spite of the state line divisions within the United States, we are still one country. This means that an applicant in one state is not incapable of moving to another. Sure, it’s not the ideal situation for everyone, but it may be the only realistic situation for some. To those companies that have “no relocation” on their job postings: Stop for a moment and consider that if the only thing standing between you and an applicant, is the fact that you’re in another state, that doesn’t mean that the applicant isn’t qualified or is unwilling to move his or her self to your state for your opportunity without the need of your help. You can still talk to and consider those of us that are in different states. You can make it clear that you’re unable to assist with the relocation, if this is truly the case, and allow us to consider that choice of having to shoulder the entire cost of the move for the position in your company. This should be the case if only the relocation is the barrier. It’s clear that not everyone is able to relocate without some help, but there are plenty of other people who are able to consider this as an option. If you are able to help with relocating, then we would greatly appreciate it! However, I am confident that I speak for many others that would like to not be overlooked, due to an issue of distance, if they have the means of moving for an opportunity without your assistance. We all understand what is going on and some concessions will have to be collectively made, but distance should not stand between you and those of us capable of making the move.

In the process of writing this, I’ve started to notice that there’s been an uptick in people being hired and this is great news. It’s a positive feeling to an almost dreadful experience. Yet, I believe it is possible for us to collectively make it even better:

1. For those of us that are out of work and see positions that are available, but of no interest to yourself, please pass them along to your other friends and/or colleagues that are seeking as well.  Even consider posting the positions to group boards or social sites to spread the word for others that may be interested in it
2. If you’ve found employment, make sure that when you’ve had a chance to settle in, that you look for positions within your company that are available and pass those along as stated in number 1
3. If you’re currently working, please don’t take it for granted and refer to 1 and 2 to contribute to those of us that are still searching

The steps above are only part of a solution and will do some good, because as more people transition out of being unemployed, that means the next opportunity might swing towards the rest of us that are still in this boat. However, with companies like Disney laying off large numbers of people as they have recently done, that equally decreases the chance for those of us that have been out of work for a while (even those that have been out longer than my current running of 7-months) to find employment. In the end, we (applicants) understand that you (companies) are constantly being bombarded with resumes from persistent hopefuls. But, again, we need you to be better and for you to be dutiful; for both our sakes. Just as the seeker needs to re-evaluate him or her self and the options that are available to us; companies need to re-evaluate their processes and to make sure they’re not overlooking someone based on an issue of semantics and/or location. Reviewing a resume is a subjective process. One that is meant to quickly filter through a stack of applicants to a much smaller stack of potentials. Now more than ever, the process of reviewing resumes should be subjectively re-evaluated. Times are changing, but they are changing on both ends of the equation and that means that both sides must update their processes, and expectations. We have to do this together in order to find the balance that is needed in order for us to have a mutual benefit and sustainable impact.

——-@ds

**Please feel free to leave your comments here on the blog site.

Leaping With Our Choices

On March 26, 1989, I was 12 years old and on this day premiered a television show called Quantum Leap.  This was a series created by Donald P. Bellisario.  It presided around a man known as Dr. Sam Beckitt and his trusty, patriotic friend, Al.  They were aided by a computer system, named Ziggy, that was able to determine the probability of what “most likely” needed to be done on a leap. The crux of the show: Sam built this system and in the process of a test run, he started his downward (or upward, depending on your view) path of leaping from his body into the body of others who lived in the past.  Al didn’t leap (well, except for one episode), he utilized Ziggy and appeared to Sam Beckitt as a hologram in the past.  It was designed so that only Sam could see him (there were exceptions) and he always aided Sam on each jump.  Yes, it was about time travel, fixing past wrongs, doing good deeds or striving to, and I absolutely loved the show!  However, it seemed to be about so much more.  It appeared to me to be a well crafted (at the time I would have described it as awesome or cool) show and really had a sense of purpose, even though many scene setups were cheesy and the use of colored blocks to represent a futuristic computer system was, well, let’s just say, laughable.

However, when I say it seemed to have a sense of purpose, I simply mean that even though at times it became a bit corny or clichéd, there seemed to be an underlying desire to actually make a good science fiction show with good writers who tried to craft a good plot, and actors who seemed to want to represent the characters of the past as best as possible, without heavily subjecting it to the realm of science fiction or using that to such a degree that it over burdened the show in a technical manner.  It was more about an inner reflection of the desires of humans to have the chance to go back to something in their past to fix or correct.  To try and make yourself consider other options or opportunities which could have lead you down a different path.  It’s the desire for a do over.  Another chance to do something different.  I believe this struck a cord with those of us that watched this show and explains why, even after all these years, this show still has a strong fan following.  Trust me, I do not follow this show and only once in a while reflect on it.  I’m not a continuous fan, but I always come back to this underlying internal impression that I have of it and I always jokingly say that they need to bring Sam Beckitt home.  Unfortunately, the series only lasted 4 years and came to an end on May 5, 1993.

I didn’t watch every episode of the show during its run and I was 16 at the time that it ended, but one thing that has always bugged me is the fact that they left Sam Beckitt leaping.  Seriously, this guy is still (in this fictional world) leaping, now 20 years later.  I know, I know, it is a TV show.  It’s not real.  It is purely a work of fiction.  I know this and I do not care.  I want Sam Beckitt to be brought home.  Can you imagine that you are stuck in a paradox of perpetual leaping from one body to the next in the past and the only way to leap out is to accomplish some unknown quest or need that you can barely figure out?  It really bothers me when things are left unfinished, and yes, even popular TV shows, no matter how real or fake they are.  Now, if it was simply a crappy show, then I also believe in putting things out of their misery, finished or not.  But this wasn’t a crappy show, it was pretty good for the time period that it was made in and for the perspectives it was constantly trying to portray.  I just don’t like the idea of leaving someone behind and maybe this is what resonates with me about this character.  The fact that he was left behind and that was it.  I also become quite perturbed by cliff hangers and especially cliff hangers that are left unfinished, because the series that they are a part of has come to an end.  All they had to do was write a suitable ending that brought Sam home or at least made it seem like he wanted to keep leaping.  I could deal with someone choosing to keep doing something, because then it’s about choice and they have to deal with the repercussions of their choices.  But the writers didn’t do this and they left this guy floating around in the past and it makes me wonder, what is going on with him now?  It’s a perplexing thought, I suppose you could CYA it (no, no, not the phrase that ends with ass, I mean, Choose Your Adventure) and create your own personal ending for the series, but I want an official ending.  I think they could even make a successful movie of the series and put an end to this problem.

With that being the case, this post today isn’t about promoting a movie or TV episode for the series; being laid off has given me more time to think about things, some important and others not so important.  I’m not sure why I even thought about writing this with relation to Quantum Leap.  Maybe it’s for nostalgic reasons, or maybe I feel that I am doing my own personal leaping and am finding myself relating to this series.  It could also be true that I saw something on the internet that made me think about Quantum Leap and decided to do something as mundane as use up my time to write about a favorite TV show from my past.  I’ve pondered about this show a few times over the years and wondered how I would feel if I was leaping.  Fact is, I think I’d be really pissed off after 20 years.  At some point, I’d figure out a way to leave messages for the future and really start messing with them as best as possible.  Maybe for each person I leapt into, I would get on an airplane and fly my new body (when or where possible) to some place, maybe a place like Hawai’i or Puerto Rico and just stay there until I was forced to leap again.  I would even leave a note with my former body explaining who I was and what had happened, and what to say when they were found.  I would do this with every new person, over and over again, until there was a legion of new bodies on the same island, or at least had been on the same island, stating the same thing:  ”I am Dr. Sam Beckitt.  I am from the future and am part of a US government program dealing with time travel.  Each of the persons reading this note are uniquely different and I brought them all here, while I was inhabiting their body.  I am trying to get back home.  Please help!”, or something to that effect (it’s probable that this wouldn’t work when you consider the potential true effects of going back in time and doing the things that Sam was (or is) doing on the show, but I don’t want to go into that line of reasoning in this post).

Think about how odd it would be if a bunch of people appeared, in the same area, over and over again, saying the same thing, while truly being confused as to how they got there.  At some point, someone would have to acknowledge what I was doing.  It would be written about in the papers.  I would do this so that the future would know that I was still alive and that it was time for them to “put right what once went wrong”.  Yet, something tells me that the character of Sam Beckitt wouldn’t do this, he was too hard-headed about doing what he felt was right and I believe he would’ve kept doing the same thing over and over again; helping others to fix what was wrong in their life.

Given all of this, I also recognize that there’s a problem with going back and changing things from what they were.  You inevitably wipe out who you are and what you’ve become.  Those who know you may never know you and the elements that were introduced in your life throughout the years to shape you, could be different and thus, shape you differently.  And, this has another effect: you change everyone that knew you as well as those who know them, and so on.  Because your interaction with them may have shaped them in some way and with time being as fickle as I believe it to be, who are any of us to be so selfish to go back and change things that may be so insignificant to each of us, but can have great transcending effects to everyone that have eclipsed our circle of life?  Even the person who may have a life that is currently in turmoil or may have been hurt in a manner that is beyond any experience of being laid off, may have found strength in that circumstance that have impacted others to bring awareness to their cause, or to make someone strong enough to go through their personal dilemma.

I think about this now, because I am curious if I had the opportunity to go back in time to change something, would I?  Would I change the fact that I am laid off, by letting myself know of the impending doom really early and finding a way out?  Would I had even went farther back in time to put myself on to a different course?  Would I have told others and impacted their futures as well?  Sure, I have some regrets and desires that I wish I had done differently.  Vices that I took part in that I wish I never had.  Even with all of this, I recognize that who I am today is based on who I was yesterday; last week; last month and all the years before today.  I’d like to believe that I wouldn’t go back to change anything, no matter how bad or great it would be to see how it would play out (in reality, I would never know how it would play out, because it wouldn’t be new to me anymore), but it’s hard to say what you really wouldn’t do when the situation presents itself to do something you normally wouldn’t have the opportunity to do.  If I were to make this change, I would simply walk a different path and possibly eclipse different people in my life’s journey, inevitably becoming something different then I was (even though there would have never been a was). It would be such a dynamic change that all of the people that I know now and have impacted my life; I take the gamble on erasing from my life and their effects on me, due to a few sour experiences, which in their own way have groomed me into the person I am today, for better or for worse.  And, as it was stated in the movie Batman Begins, “Why do we fall down?  So that we can learn to pick ourselves up.”  Those sour experiences have taught me how to pick myself up, and if I were to go back in time and make changes that lead to an easier and wealthier life, then what would I have learned?  To be honest, that is a question that I’ll never be able to answer, because there is no way to make that comparison.

In dealing with this idea, I have to also come back to Quantum Leap, because as I said, Dr. Sam Beckitt is still leaping and I want him to come home.  He is still changing the past for a future he is unable to be a part of anymore.  Constantly doing what he deems to be right, to fix a wrong, to continue leaping with the hope that he will leap back home at some point.  Nevertheless, isn’t the dilemma of doing something like going back in time to change the past to affect your future, or someone else’s future, one in which you potentially continue doing over and over again?  When would you stop and how would you know when you should stop?  What if you missed some minor detail and that leads you to have everything you ever wanted, but some other detrimental effect comes with it?  As we all know, life isn’t perfect and neither are we.  Given this fact, it’s highly improbable we could ever do something so perfectly as to fix every element of time to give us what we wanted without affecting something else negatively.  With that being said, if the show hadn’t ended the way it did, I probably wouldn’t even care enough about it right now to write this blog post and maybe that was the hope of the writers, to care.  To realize that nothing is perfect and we all can’t have the outcomes we would like, but we must deal with our choices or the choices that have been pushed upon us (after all, it was Sam’s choice to start leaping by using himself as the first major test of his system) and strive to do the best we can with what we have been given.  Maybe this was their way of “putting right what once went wrong”.

——-@ds

Epilogue:

I never said I wouldn’t take the opportunity to go back in time.  Seriously, who knows, I could somehow luck out and make choices that are so imperfect that they yield a perfect outcome.  You know, like being in Costa Rica with that beautiful woman next to me; sipping the pleasures of a great drink; plenty of cash to fund this lifestyle and maybe the only detrimental effect is that I am missing a toe from my left foot!  That’s a scenario that I could live with and I hope my friends, family or acquaintances of this timeline wouldn’t be mad at me for changing my past that yielded this out come, .   On the other hand, to be truthful, I probably would go back in time to experience the act of time travel and observe myself in the past, from the perspective of a third party (that third party being me, as an adult from the future).  That would be enough, because that would be awesome or cool enough for me, I think.

 What Lies Within

Our surroundings are like a cloud. Grey and hazy. It’s where we hide. It’s where we lie. Walls govern this inner world that we often close off from the outside world.  But in our hidden sanctums, we possess a desire to attain and gain to fill in the emptiness of our surroundings. In this perpetual accumulation, we enter ourselves on to a path of self importance. Even when we say that what we have or what we want is for our own need, often times we can not wait to go and show it to others, or to someone. To prove that we have risen and triumphed. To be accepted into a life that we so often feel that we are not a part of. These items define us and often times help to hide us from the world outside of what we call our home; our shelter and escape.

So often we put all our hopes and dreams into the materialistic that when they fail or become lost, we become destructive in their absence. Destructive isn’t just a means to an end, nor does it mean that we become violent, but that we fall outside of our comfort due to what is lacking and in trying to find out where it’s at; who we loaned it to; and how we’re going to replace it, we never consider the cost of having placed so much significance on the material itself. We are compelled to justify our existence. This has become our human nature. This is the telling of our significance. 

Herein lies the audacity: The idea that we are so insignificant that what we own, where we live and that which we constantly try to attain has taken such a precedence in our own existence, that we use it to define our significance. It is so common place now that we do it without knowing; without it even being intentional. It is the accepted standard. It is part of the reason why our lives and the lives of other people seem to become increasingly unimportant.  This has lead many of us towards apathy.

Because of this, the valuation of our life is governed solely by what we can see, touch and utilize. The upscaling of our desires are the creation of our lies. And in this perpetual cycle, we continue the degradation of each other. The machinations that rule our lives, do so without even knowing their importance or the means with which we let them in to do their unintended bidding. It is as if we need others to justify our significance by heralding what we own and have, when what we really need are others who simply care for our well being and that we give back to them the same in return. Life isn’t, nor should it be, about defining ourselves from the success that we make in our fortunes or in the materialistic possessions that we gather over the course of our lives. These can be lost and replaced. Those that surround us that hope for our best; push us when we stumble; forgive us for our ignorance; place upon us the very best of hopes and dreams, and strive to ensure the importance in our lives are that which we should never forsake.* 

What would happen if this idea of life not being based on the materialistic became increasingly important to each of us and overshadowed the easy, lifeless vices that we self impose to govern our happiness; especially given the situation that many of us are finding ourselves in, because of recent economic conditions? What if we learn to appreciate what we once took for granted; for the way of life that we once had, and place emphasis on what matters most: us. Not individuals or gifts, but us?  The idea of going forward in these difficult, complicated and changing times with a renewed importance to us and for the beneficial success of us is what should be at the forefront of our new way of life, and how we deal with each other going forward.  It is hopeful that we all will find our way together again and proceed with a greater realization and appreciation of where we are coming from in order to pave a better path to where we are headed.

——-@ds

Click here to leave a comment

*This paragraph was written by me to a friend, but I thought it to be a just fit for this piece. **Originally posted on myspace, April 13, 2008.  Edited and updated, March 22, 2009.

Drifting can loosen your anchor; that you may never be able to cast again

So, it’s been about five months since I’ve been out of work and I remember that initially I was really gung-ho about finding my next career opportunity.  I spent every waking hour touching up my resume, having people (friends and former co-workers) review my resume and applying for jobs that I wanted to be in.  I thought to myself that I was going to bounce back on my feet and set sail again.  I’m confident that for 2-months straight I was on this mission.  I’m still on this mission.  I have not failed in carrying it out or in continuing to seek out and apply.  This is my “shock and awe”.  It’s the type of mission that says: I won’t give up and I won’t give in.  That I will find my way out and be back at the shore.  However, I’ve noticed that my drifting has been happening for a while now and every day I find myself even further out at sea.

Today is/was another one of those days, as a prime example.  I actually got up at around 6 a.m. to move the trash from the garage to the alley.  But, since the sun hadn’t started to rise yet, I waited until 7 a.m.  I didn’t want the night rodents having too much time to have fun with my trash, else I’d be picking it up, because often times the Waste Management professionals won’t do it.  So, I went back up to my room and flopped in my bed.  I don’t have a dedicated alarm clock, so I always use my cell phone to set my alarm.  It’s a multi-functional device, so I do use it for everything that I can.  I set it for 7 a.m.  

While I was laying there, I realize that (as with most of the days leading up to this day), I have absolutely nothing to do.  Let me put this into perspective: I am not married; I am not currently in a relationship with the woman of my dreams; I have no children, heck, I do not even have a pet.  It’s just me.  I look back on these 5-months and from my perspective, these “have nots” have been a blessing and a curse.  Because I do not have these responsibilities, I am capable of not having to worry about the well being of a family circle that is dependent on me getting back on me feet.  Yet, this is duplicitous as well.  Since I do not have these “responsibilities” it also means I have no accountability to any direct person.  There’s nothing pushing me on or driving me forward, except for my sheer will of not wanting to give up.  That introspective came at about 6:48 a.m. (this is where you hear the pulsations of “tick-tock-tick-tock” from the tv series 24).

I looked out my window, saw a hint of light in the sky, deactivated the bomb (sorry, Jack Bauer moment) alarm clock and ran downstairs.  I wasn’t excited, but since I have two new house mates, there was a lot of trash to drag to the corner and at least that was something productive to be done.  After accomplishing this minor task, I went back inside and up to my room.  The lights were still off and it was around 7:10 a.m.  I again, flopped back into my bed.  This time laying on my back and the following thoughts were swirling around in my head:

What, if anything, will I do today?

When is this going to end?

Is anyone really hiring, or are they all just sitting back and laughing at all of us applying?

Are positions created just to gauge interest?

Will I hear another, “we’re on a hiring freeze”?

I wonder if it will be sunny today?

Damn, it’s going to be hot, I bet… (and it was, right on!)

I should go to the beach… no, that will cost me gas, which will cost me cash, ugh…

Oh, today I get free rentals from Redbox cause it is free movie Monday!!! (does the happy dance while laying in bed and yes, I did go get my free movies)

After those thoughts I fell back to sleep and was not scheduled to awaken until 9:36 a.m.  After I woke up, feeling groggy and drained, I realized that there was so much I could be and could have been doing.  I had five months that I could’ve been working out.  Beyond applying for jobs, I could do that much needed backing up of my computer files.  Because I am going to have to move soon, I could’ve started to pack up some of my things.  I could find more stuff to sell on Craigslist.  I have a good 5-7 books that I either had loaned to me, or purchased a while ago, that I could be reading.  I could go for a walk.   The list goes on and on.  Yet, when I woke up, my hand went instinctively for the remote to the TV and I stayed that way until two calls came in, both canceling on the plans that I at least had for the day.  I thought this was a positive, because it meant that I didn’t have to get up and go anywhere.  That’s the first mistake in losing your anchor.  Actually being happy that your plans have been canceled, and through no fault of your own, so that you can justify not doing anything.  Utilizing the TV to pass the time away or doing something so un-productive that it becomes routine and you drift away from your goals.  But, during this time, that doesn’t negate the fact that I could’ve still went and did something, and I knew it.  I know it every day.  Yes, I thought about all of that while I laid there.  

Truth be told, I didn’t do any of the things that I could’ve done.  I showered and dressed up, and then proceeded to slouch over my computer (some of it looking for work, some of it not).  Then, I saw myself in the mirror and realized that I was doing more damage to myself then anything else.  I’ve allowed myself to be holed up in my room all of these months (with occasional exceptions) and on many occasions, sleeping the day away.  Waking up some days and feeling down or sorry for myself, and at other times just not giving a damn.  But then, I get these bursts of optimism and hope, and go all out in my searches.  Yet, still, I was continuously drifting further and further (I’ve used further in this post intentionally, as farther is a definition of distance, but further is a definition of degree) away and not quite understanding why I was still lost.

Fact is, even if you don’t find a job; you’re single; no family; no accountability, you can still do something meaningful.  Perpetually losing yourself within yourself and then being down about your current circumstances does nothing, but provide you with the insane objective of doing the same thing over and over again, while expecting a different result.  Haven’t we all heard that before? This is, metaphorically speaking, drifting.  Some time after I was laid off, I lost my anchor.  I still do not quite know where it’s at, but that doesn’t mean I have to keep searching for it.  With all the weight of my situation that is on me, I can create a new anchor!  This is the best thing about being in this situation right now.  You can recreate.  You can, as it has been written in Latin: Carpe Diem!  There’s going to be those days where your own personal recession will hold you back, you can not always defeat this, but it doesn’t have to last and you don’t have to let it be continuous.  I can’t promise that tomorrow will be any different, but now I’m toiling with new ideas and wanting to try some alternatives that I’ve been pushing to the back of my mind.  I found my helm and I am pointing it in a new direction.  And my anchor?  Well, I have that in tow now, because when I get back to my shore, that’s when I’ll be dropping it down again. 

——-@ds

Click here to leave a comment

It’s amazing what happens when you turn around and look in a different direction.

I REMEMBER:

Waking up one day, years ago, and recalling a great amount of memories from a time past.  On this day, my thoughts came to me as cascading moments of my childhood and thinking of missed opportunities. I was recalling the early mornings and late nights being bundled in my Mother’s purple coat as we waited at the bus stops trying to either get home or to go some place, while we were living in Seattle, WA (my birthplace).  Seattle usually had a nice, thick fog in the early mornings and it governed every inch of an area when it manifested. I thought about a blue bird that I had found dead on the grounds of the church that I, at my young age, willingly went to. This bird looked so peaceful and it was one of the few times in my early life that I came across death. I knew that I shouldn’t touch it, but I felt compelled to bury it. I found a paper board laying around, scooped the bird up and buried it in the flower bed that the church maintained. I even affixed a wooden cross, made out of popsicle sticks to mark the spot of the burial.  I considered the moves that took me from Seattle, WA to Pomona and later Rialto, CA. I thought about the day that my Father came back into my life; after having been absent for so long. I recalled the time that I moved to Tulsa, OK and how much I disliked living out there, but I stayed, because it was the first opportunity I had to live and be around my Father. I considered the time during High School, while living in St.Paul, MN, when I worked at Toys R Us and I had to take on the responsibilities of a parent, because my mom had suffered a miscarriage and was in the longest season of depression. Bills were piling up, she was on public assistance and I knew I had to take care of things. I caught everything back up and was even able to pay off my own personal medical bills and I felt so redeemed. I pondered about how accomplishing it felt to be close to graduating from college when both of my parents had not even attended. Looking at my family, as disenfranchised as it was and still is, in my most immediate family circle, I was the first to be accepted to a University.

All of these little bits of moments and thoughts came to me as I wondered if I had made the right choices, while laying on a bed in my college dorm room. You know, I had an opportunity to go down a path leading to a career in law and a separate opportunity to enter college, while still being in high school, based off of an english proficiency exam. I’m sure my proficiency has deteriorated some, but as with life, things just do not last. During this time I thought about where I was headed. Here I was 6.5 years into college and it was finally coming to an end. I knew that I didn’t have anything lined up and nowhere really to go. I got up and went wandering throughout my campus (I often wonder if this happens to most people as they come to the end of something they have completed) in a lost maze of deep thought. I found myself inside of what is called Coffman Memorial Union and I saw this sign about a college program in Florida and I thought to myself: “never been to Florida and I do not have anything better going for me”. So I applied and in many ways it became my opportunity to escape a life that I was fearing I was going to fall in to, one that would have me still living at home in my 30′s and fearing to have done nothing more then to accept mediocrity.

I REMEMBER:

I was waking up one sunny day and feeling both pissed off and happy that I was laying in this bed furnished to me by Disney, while living in their apartment, taking part in their College Program.  On one hand, happy to be out of Minnesota and on my own. On the other hand, annoyed at doing what I was doing at my age (at the time 26) having graduated from college and wanting something better. I was accepted on this internship and put into the group of individuals that were convention guides primarily at Epcot.  It was my responsibility to meet incoming convention participants backstage and introduce myself.  I would explain to them the requirements of following me to their location(s) and what to do if they became lost.  Sometimes, depending on the size of the group it would be one or two guides, or more than 10+.  Little did I know, that as a Disney College Program intern, I was in one of the best areas to do my internship.  When others were stuck at ODF (Out Door Foods) having smoke from what their unit was cooking constantly in their face; being a part of maintenance and having to deal with constant cleaning duties; being a part of the retail areas (albeit, there were times during certain festivals that I was required to do retail as well) or working as attendance at the park rides; here I was only having to take guests from one location to another and stand guard to ensure regular park guests didn’t interfere with the events of our convention groups.  I was able to take part in concerts, be mostly in doors and out of the heat; participate in building new “events”; work with some of the design staff; drive backstage for deliveries and a host of other functions that really was an exception to the college program experience that my other room mates often griped about.  Yet, as with most things, you only see what annoys you about your particular situation and rarely consider it against the wider perspective of how worse it could be.  

It had been a good 4 months into the program and I knew I wanted to stay in Florida, but I needed a reason. I often wonder if someone wants something strong enough, do they obtain it because of sheer will or is it based off of some inherent destiny. It is funny how things fall into place, even if at the time you can’t see those pieces and their places.  Sort of like a chaotic entanglement of moments coming together to create a picture that can not be determined until that last final piece is put into its place. Then, when that segment is over and just as it ends, so to does another begin. Reality of what is can be odd that way… but I digress, as I have gotten off of the path intended. So, I wanted to stay in Florida and a short time later, recalled that two people I knew from college had come to Florida a few years before me. I looked through all of my previous emails and records of people I knew, and came across one e-mail address leading to one of those two people, both of whom are now married and living in New York. In a strange twist of things, they helped me to stay in Florida by allowing me to live with them for three months after my college program ended back in January 2005.  Funny thing is, my last day of work with Disney ended at exactly Midnight on January 1, 2005 and that night, instead of going home or to some late night New Year’s party, I ended up having to sleep in my old 1991 Toyota Corolla, in the Epcot parking lot, because I had inadvertently left my lights on all night.  The AAA service was enormously busy that night and they didn’t get to me until late in the morning.  As I started to get the feeling that staying any longer was wearing thin on them, it was during this time in March of 2005 that I was just about to pack up and drive back to Minnesota, until thankfully, two job opportunities came up and I grabbed them both.  These same friends eventually helped me obtain a position at the company that I was laid off from back in October of 2008.  You can read about that experience under my Truth blog.  

I REMEMBER:

The time soon came for these two friends of mine to move out of Florida to pursue a new life and career opportunities.  I had already moved out from under them and was getting settled with new roommates (of whom I had worked with at Epcot as convention guides) and a new apartment.  After they left, I never told them that I would miss them and that I felt alone, but as I stated, I had a few other friends and I thought we were all developing pretty good relationships.  At one point, there was five of us living in a 2 bedroom/2 bath apartment.  Later, one decided to move on her own and the four of us remained together and moved to a new place.  About a year or so after that, the room mate situation came to an end and we all moved out from each other.  One went back home to another state.  Another moved in with other friends closer to disney, where he worked.  The third person moved in with her friend.  She and I still lived very close to each other, as I found my own place, which wasn’t very far away.  Over time, my friendships dispersed and I started to feel very isolated as I was living on my own.  I realized I knew next to no one out here and as much as it didn’t bother me to have moved to a place on my own, it became a bit haunting to know that I didn’t really know anyone out here anymore.  It’s odd, during that moment; that year, I felt more alone then ever. Here I was an only child that had been used to being a loner (and I still fall back into those tendencies), but who became too used to being around others and when I was forced back to being alone, I almost lost it. It’s crazy to think back on it all, but 2007 was one crazy year for me; for many reasons (not all, of which, are stated here):

1. I lost just about all the friends I had in Florida during the early part of that year
2. The first night I stepped into my apartment when I was fully moved in, I leaned against the wall, lowered my head and slipped to the floor, wondering: how long…
3. I hated a lot of things so much
4. I regretted leaving work (especially when I greatly hated the work I was doing as an analyst) because I knew where I had to go; a lonely apartment with only myself sitting on a crummy couch (which basically became my bed) in a dark room lit only by the television
5. I was extremely broke and only able to do very little that required any expenditure, so most of the time I was resigned to staying in, even when I had opportunities to go out…
6. For the most part, I had only one friend out here
7. I put way too much of myself into my friendship with her of whom I secretly, for such a long time, held a passionate interest in
8. I eventually told her how I felt on Easter 2007, against all internal instincts to keep quiet to preserve our friendship
9. Our friendship dwindled (I often wonder if it was because I said anything, or if it was a natural progression of what was to come, remember: sheer will or inherent destiny)
10. I sometimes regretted saying anything at all and then at times, I did not
11. I went through a self deprecating process
12. I started to delve deeper into myself, in a “self-analyzing” manner, to determine what was at the root of my issues.  It became the way I found to break free of the spiraling effect I was having on myself

I REALIZE:

How focusing all your energy onto one aspect blocks you from all the other possibilities that exist beyond that one point of focus. In other words, and I can admit this now (but would have denied it vehemently up to a couple of years ago) that I placed way too much emphasis on that friendship with her and relied on her and our friendship as a crutch to cover up the loneliness that I felt and when it started to break; I felt as if I was crumbling. 

That was my fault and no one else’s.

So now I look at where I am at and realize that I have gained much more from that crumbling of my being and the shattering of my crutch, then I would have ever attained had I kept holding on.  Sure, a few new road blocks have cropped up since then, but I still have much more to be appreciative of then to worry on the detrimental effects of these road blocks.  It’s been a learning lesson for me on how to be better prepared next time.  Luckily, my friendship with her has been repaired, but I don’t delve any further beyond that aspect.  Now, I know a few more people and things seem as if they are leveling out, but I realize I do not need to rely on them to feel better about myself or to provide a crutch. I am realizing what I used to know, that I never needed that crutch.  These issues cropped up out of the idea of being alone.  Issues that I never really felt or thought about prior to moving to Florida.  Although I still have my own internal conflicts at times, but tell me of one person who does not.  All of this is about progress.  It’s slow and tedious at times, but, overwhelmingly, I am better off.

Sometimes you have to break and fall. Sometimes you have to take that chaotic entanglement of the unknown and rebuild it into something different so that you can pick up the shattered pieces of your being to begin anew.

I have to say I am sorry and thankful; sorry to have ever let myself fall that bad, but thankful for the situation helping me to realize that I was falling.  I woke up today and it was another one of those sunny, Florida days.

——-@ds

***This was originally posted in March of 2008 to my Myspace blog, but I have updated it and have reposted it here.  I am in the process of closing out my Myspace account and I will provide a similar disclaimer for any other blogs that I transfer over.  I will still write new content, but I don’t want to lose my old blogs.***

Click here to leave a comment

Truth is a balancing act.  It requires you to walk a fine line between Exaggeration and Lies.

I’ve thought a while about the situation I’m currently in and have decided to put down once and for all what the truth is for me regarding my unemployment.

First of all, I am appreciative of the opportunities and experiences I had in my former position.  I worked for a company that, on the surface seemed OK, but in reality was lacking in a lot of areas.  I had been with this company going on 4 years.  Prior to being in the brand management department, I had been in an analyst role.  In that former position, I primarily worked with site level personnel and enjoyed that part of the job.  The rest of it isn’t worth mentioning, but I did meet a few co-workers that I’ve enjoyed keeping in touch with.

After about 2 years in that position, I moved on to a new department.  Unsure about exactly what they did, outside of the information I gleaned from the interview, but I knew I needed a change and so I accepted the position.  Plus, the interview went great and I felt very positive when it was over.  I often explain to people that I felt the interview, which was in an office, was more like a coffee shop interview: Calm, cool, comfortable and extremely open.  After a little bit of time waiting for the acceptance, I soon made the transition to my new department and quickly learned what they did, how they did it and why it was the best move for me.  I will always stand by this decision.  I was able to learn and grow.  To deal head on with issues that I felt firmly about in what I internally called “sessions” with my director.  Trust me, this is a compliment.  These “sessions” also spilled over into my interaction with one of the managers in the department as well.  His advice was always welcomed, respected and appreciated.  Everyone was a learning opportunity and a moment to reflect on a different course of action based on the individual that yielded his or her experience in the issue at hand.  And with all of this came the ability to find ways to let go of the detriments that had been holding me back, because I internally decided that I wanted to be a part of this group and to let go, in the best way that I could, my inhibitions.  I don’t think this was always successful, but I know I always tried.  I’m not sure if the people in the department realized the affect they were having on me, but I came to realize it and embraced it.

It was only a short time into the position that I realized that I absolutely enjoyed what I did.  I was becoming comfortable, tolerant and happy.  I was part of a creative process and I learned about advertising, printing, branding, job trafficking and better ways to improve my proofing.  I created processes for myself that I could only have found during the time allotted to me in this position.  In addition, I couldn’t believe that I had the opportunity to work with such an overwhelmingly great group of people.  It dawned on me early on that this was the opportunity I had sought and it was the career that I wanted to continue pursuing.  I don’t know if I will be able to, but I had the privilege of working with this great staff and at no point in the past, did I have such an overwhelmingly positive experience.  Now, I know, some of you may think (those that know me) you’re only 31, how much experience could you have.  Fact is, I’ve worked since I was 10.  I’ve had plenty of experience and have worked in a variety of industries during this time.

But after about a year and a half, this experience came to an end (10/15/08).  I had the strongest “gut” feeling that I would be let go and was proven to be correct.  I packed up my items the day before so that I didn’t have to do it in front of everyone and made sure I had every project completed, closed out or ready for future finalization.  But the night before, the oddest thing came over me before I was officially told.  It was a feeling of acceptance.  I was fine and at peace with it.  Sure, it hurt and stung a bit when it happened.  I did my best to walk in with a smile on my face and to depart in the same manner.  I told everyone it would be OK and I still know it will.  Some time afterwards, I definitely woke up at around 4 a.m. and had my “moment” of true acceptance.  Yet, I know that I wasn’t regretful, bitter, angry or pissed off.  More like dissappointed.  Even still, I realized (and continue to do so) how grateful I was to have met the people I did, to be hired into a position and given a chance to do work in an area that was a clear departure from my former position and to be entrusted with this opportunity.  I have new contacts and friends that I still keep in touch with.  So, the truth of the matter is that I am OK.  I believe I obtained what I needed and am now on the dutiful path of moving forward.  There are days that I slip away and recede from the world.  However, there are days of so much clarity that I don’t think I would have had such a mindset, or at least it would have taken a lot longer to achieve, had the culmination of my past never lead to that moment.  Fact is, even my position as an analyst that I sometimes abhor more often then I should, I have to also be thankful for that opportunity.  In every way, it lead to a better position and experience.  It lead to long lasting friendships and professional growth.  It lead to sanity and an eye opening awareness of the type of career that I want to be in.  And it lead to this very moment and now I am taking all of it with as much forward momentum as I can.

——-@ds

Click here to leave a comment